


Since The Beginning

by akiirameta



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, One Shot Collection, there's a lot of feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 16:49:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16601819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akiirameta/pseuds/akiirameta
Summary: cross-posted from aff // A set of one-shots inspired by Luhan's songs





	1. Always On Call

**Author's Note:**

> **disclaimer:**  
>  Some of these will be written in a non-au setting, but I obviously do not know anything about the real feelings of the involved characters.  
> This is purely fiction.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> words: ~1.3k  
> setting: undefined non-au  
> genre: angst  
> warnings: emotional pain?

For the most part, it didn’t hurt anymore.

 _His heart didn’t feel like breaking after more than two years had passed._  
His voice didn’t start to shake when he thought about it.  
His mind didn’t go to anything related to the topic.

The pretty multi-coloured sunset had faded to a dark grey a long time ago, the smog not allowing for the stars to be visible. The room was illuminated only by the screen in his hands as he checked the next day’s schedule yet again. He should be used to the long hours of practice and the publicity work, but at the end of each day, he was still exhausted beyond belief. A sigh escaped him upon seeing the next day flash before his eyes. Laying his phone on his chest, Minseok stared at the ceiling. The white paint wasn’t as bright as it used to be, and for some reason, this made him think.

 _Not as bright as before._  
Not as caring as he used to be.  
Not as in love with what he did every day.

Sometimes, he felt like he needed to escape his own life. Leave everything behind and go looking for happiness. But then he remembered that he had no idea how he was supposed to do that. Music had always been his dream, his goal which he worked hard for. He had everything he wished for since childhood, but still, a wave of emptiness seemed to engulf him lately. The feeling came late at night, a melancholic sadness that would never be gone fully until a few hours into the next day. He tried to not think about it too much as there were most definitely more urgent issues than his own emotions.

 _Late at night, time seemed to be passing slower._  
Late at night, the world was quieter.  
Late at night, he lost himself.

Picking up his phone from his chest, he navigated to the YouTube app to find some light entertainment to help him drift to sleep. While he knew that the fans were quite active on the platform, watching content about himself always seemed self-centred to Minseok. He randomly chose a music video to watch from the suggested videos. While music and the entertainment business dominated his whole life, he didn’t seem to get enough of it. Before the song was done, his eyes had closed and his breathing got a bit calmer.

 _Sometimes it got too much._  
Sometimes he regretted his choices.  
Sometimes keeping everything in wasn’t easy.

His eyes felt heavy when he opened them again. Minseok was uncertain how much time had passed, but there was a video playing on his phone, which now lied face-down on the sheets beside him. He didn’t recognize the song, but it was fading out anyways. When he picked up the device, another video started playing. He dropped his phone in an instant after reading the title. The name he had tried so hard to forget was right there, the person he tried to drive out of his mind was looking at him. The last time he had watched a music video of him had been months ago, and he regretted it. Now, he couldn’t help it. He picked up the phone again and restarted the video that had stopped when he dropped the device. The soft melody and expressive voice started to fill the otherwise silent room, drowning out the sounds of the busy city outside. What hit him the hardest were the lyrics. While neither his Mandarin nor his English were perfect, the subtitles in both languages gave him a good enough idea what the words of the song meant.

****_I never thought we would get in touch again after many years._  
I expect the shadow in the alley to be you.  
I am always on call. 

Minseok stared at the screen in disbelief. The sudden feeling of nostalgia overwhelmed him. If he could, he would send a text about just how much he missed him, but he didn’t even have a phone number to send it to. Besides, he didn’t think that him trying to reach out would be appreciated by anyone. The last years had been rough for all of them. At that moment, Minseok felt selfish for only thinking of his own emotions. If there was one thing he tried to avoid, it was being selfish. He cared deeply about everyone in his life, and sadly, also for those that has left his life.

 _It had been so long._  
It had been hard to adjust.  
It had been okay until a few moments ago.

Once the video was over, he didn’t replay it but typed in a few words into the search bar. Minseok hesitated before hitting enter, but decided to so it anyways. He randomly selected a video and let it play. The old variety show, cut up into small moments, brought back even more memories. Memories of smiles and laughter, memories of support and promises of forever. He loved all the members, of course. But their bond had been something special, something they had considered to be unbreakable. They were inseparable back then.

 _“Forever”, they had promised each other._  
“Forever” had turned out to be a lie.  
“Forever” had not lasted.

When the video ended, Minseok stopped the next one from playing. The tears he could feel running down his cheek signalled him to stop, even if he didn’t want to. He switched off his phone and put it to his side, sighing as he out his hand to his slightly wet face. Rationally, he knew that crying did not solve anything, that he made himself emotional without a reason. But in his mind, he just wished for a second chance. He picked up his phone again and pressed the home button. Minseok stared at his lock screen until it switched to black again. He had never bothered to change it, importing it whenever he got a new phone. Twelve smiles, unbroken and full of hope.

 _They used to be so happy._  
They used to be close like brothers.  
They used to be one as six and as twelve.

Minseok started to think about the members that had been his family for the last five years. Now, the nine of them were still very close, but the childlike optimism was long gone. To prevent himself from crying more, he put his phone on the nightstand beside his bed and rolled over onto his side. When he closed his eyes, he could feel his heartbeat echoing through his whole body, hearing it in his ears. When he opened his eyes again, the world outside the window looked grey and washed out. Jongdae was standing at the door, staring at him.

 _While he greatly appreciated the kind words, it wasn’t the same._  
While he liked the skinship, it didn’t feel quite as nice.  
While he loved the members, they weren’t him.

When Luhan had left over two years ago, a piece of Minseok left with him. For the most part, it didn’t hurt anymore, but when it did, it tore him apart. This morning, he wanted nothing more than to have the words of the song be reality. He wanted to make a phone call and hear the still familiar voice again, calling him nicknames nobody else could use and joke around like they used to. But that opportunity had passed and he had to deal with it. With Jongdae holding him as he explained, his heart started to ache a bit less. Once he was up and dressed, Minseok had successfully pushed last night’s emotions away.

**_I'm always on call._ **  
**_You know I'm always on call._ **  
**_I know you're always on call._ **


	2. So Excited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> words: ~950  
> setting: undefined non-au, possible continuation from [Always On Call]  
> genre: ?? idk, kinda angsty but with a happy ending  
> warnings: none

He smiled at his phone screen, the once so familiar language had become a struggle to read, but he was able to decipher it. It hasn’t been long since what he liked to call ‘the phone call of fate’, and his heart raced every time the name appeared on his phone. He had been hesitant for a long time, trying to guard himself from the pain that seemed inevitable. He knew of the pain he had caused, in thousands of people that didn’t really matter, in nine that had mattered and one that used to mean the world to him. He had convinced himself that he was hated by now, that he was unwanted.

_Maybe I shouldn’t recall  
Even if I’m allowed to go back in time_

Even without a big company pressuring him constantly, the entertainment industry wasn’t exactly a fun playground. He had no right to complain, because the ones he left behind probably had it much worse. He didn’t believe in self-pity, or at least that’ what he told himself. He refused to tend to his own figurative wounds, convinced that it would be time that healed them. He was the bad guy, breaking hearts. One night, he couldn’t take it anymore. He was slightly tipsy and had just found his old phone, so he decided to call. A press of a button, as simple as that.

_Can’t go back to who you used to be  
But I don’t want to meet the you who is strange to me_

When the automated sounds indicating a call being processed sounded, he suddenly got nervous. It wouldn’t be like it was before, times had changed. When he heard the other’s sleepy voice, his heart stopped for a moment. He still sounded the same, the low octave that came with the small hours of the morning. He almost forgot to talk, overwhelmed by the feeling of both nostalgia and guilt. He didn’t tell him everything that day, didn’t make his feelings clear, but he was still understood. When he hung up, he almost wished he could take it back, rewind time to protect not just his own, but both of their hearts.

_If I still have the chance  
To exchange all my faults for luckiness and temptation_

Time had passed, and his heart remained surprisingly intact. When the sunset painted the smog-filled sky in pastel colours, he was thinking. Thinking about how he had fallen back so effortlessly into the other’s arms. When he had left, part of him remained there, guarded safely by the man that had just messaged him. It was a warm sadness, one that brought heavy eyes and numbness to him whenever he thought about how they would never be what they once were. He threw away that opportunity, but at least he was healthy now.

_It fuels loneliness  
Making people lost_

He knew that there was no point in beating himself about decisions that had been made long ago. There was no point in constantly imagining what could have been instead of what it is now. Luhan knew he was selfish. But he also knew that being selfish was good to a certain extent, that it protected him. But safety wasn’t worth it if it also brought unhappiness. He picked up his phone again, having transferred the contacts, and typed out a message, going back and forth between the translation app and the messenger.

_You got magic power on me  
Making me unable to breathe_

They used to be so close, they used to mean so much to each other. And he desperately wanted that back. He wanted the feeling of truly belonging somewhere back, the warmth and comfort that he once took for granted without much further thought. His mind began to wander to the time the two had spent together, the laughs and the tears they had shared. Even back then, things hadn’t been easy, but they didn’t expect them to be. Missed sunsets, wasted sunrises replaced by faded greys and the haze that came with too much caffeine.

_It is the reason why I exist  
So beautiful that I can’t resist_

The sky had just faded to the blue-hued vague darkness of Beijing at night when their eyes met. There was something different about the other’s face, a hardened edge that hadn’t been there before. But his beauty remained untouchable by any other thing on earth, taking Luhan’s breath away for a few seconds. Over the heavy beating of his heart, he almost forgot to say something. He probably looked stupid, just standing in the doorway to the hotel room he had rented, but that was the least of his concerns in that moment. But those slowly disappeared when he realized that the other had been looking forward to being reunited as well. It was a foreign feeling, getting reacquainted with someone that used to know everything about him, that he used to share his most private thoughts with.

_Don’t keep me waiting  
I’ve been so patient_

It still wasn’t easy. The distance took its toll on them, their busy schedule was taxing and the expectations on them were suffocating. But whenever those familiar arms embraced him, Luhan was truly happy, and he would give his everything to ensure that Minseok was happy, too. So when he secretly dedicated his newest song to his boyfriend, he couldn't help but look back at the black hole that was the years they had spent apart. But rather than feeling regret, he was content. They were now stronger than ever, their previous mistakes served as a lesson to not forget themselves amongst the whirlwind going on around them.

**_You got me singing  
You got me so excited_ **


End file.
